I Need To Know She Will Be OK!
When time has passed and some normality returns to your life, you can reflect on every obstacle you have faced.
I want to share the reality of potentially facing the unknown and the possibility of never seeing your loved ones again.
Many women/men who have been through cancer treatment and had chemo therapy know that a few days after chemo your immune system is the most vulnerable. On four occasions I was admitted to A&E and treated for sepsis, due to my neutrophils
(white blood cells that fight infection) being too low. Whilst I was admitted to hospital for the 2nd time, I had a lot of time to ponder on what was important.
I wanted to be prepared if I couldn't win this fight, so I put together a list of everything I wanted my husband to do for our daughter. Yes, very morbid I know but I wanted to make sure they could cope and I believed making this list would help with the process. I have never shared this before, so here it is:
I need to teach you how to do a plait (the casual low pony tail just won't cut it).
Do not use the round bristle brush when brushing her hair. She will not be your friend, as you know. It needs to be the oval black one.
If she wants to have the usual 10 Barbie's in the bath, along with every toy she could possible find to fit, then let her.
Try not stress out over the little things. You can worry when Nevaeh is 17/18 and invites her boyfriend round for the first time.
Make a memory photo book for each year I had with Nevaeh.
Keep a photo in her bedroom of me and her, so when she goes to sleep, the first thing she thinks of when she wakes up is the memories we shared.
Help me write a special letter for my daughter for every milestone birthday.
You need to go to every school play, parents evening and activity Nevaeh is involved in. Seeing as we missed her first ever play (not through any fault of our own).
Not just telling of the stupid/silly things, she needs to know how much I love her, that she made my life worth living when she came into the world.
I want Nevaeh to believe in the stars, like she does about her nanny Deb and grandad Caz. I want her to be able to look up to the sky and be of the belief that I am there.
When it comes to the girly stuff, just do your best. I confided in my dad a lot so hopefully she will.
When she does find a boyfriend, try not to lose your s***t. She needs to know she can tell you anything!
Make a conscious effort to visit nanny Mary down south and other close family. She needs to have the people who also love her to be a constant influence in her life.
Let her be herself. So, if she wants to run around the house, dressed as a princess, wearing sunglasses and a bobble hat, then let her. I want her to know she can be her crazy little self.
I went to this awful place in my mind, which is a negative point of view but also positive. If I wasn't going to be around to see my daughter grow up, I wanted to make sure my views were heard.
I still get a lump in my throat every time I read this list but it is reality for so many out there who are fighting for their lives and trying to make the most of a horrific situation.
My one wish is to see my daughter grow up and right now I am so grateful to have that opportunity.