I remember so clearly how I craved for the cancer to do one! I couldn’t wait for the hair on my head to grow back, even just a little bit. I couldn’t wait to feel normal and not like I was going to pass out every time I got up from the sofa. I wanted to re-write my life without the tragedy and heartache. It was the little things I looked forward to and now I have them, my ultimate wish is to finally put the big C behind me. Unfortunately, until I hear my oncologist shout from the roof “you’re in remission”, I can’t close the book for good!
Every person who has suffered cancer will tell you that being told your in remission won’t cure your anxiety or fears, but what it does do is allow your mind to rest. WHEN I hear those words I will finally believe that my body and mind didn’t totally fail me and my family/friends will be stuck with me for as long as fate decides. I will feel more in control of my future and not just winging it day by day!
I often dream about the day I am in remission, which I am still 2 years off but having this to look forward to keeps me in check. On the flip side, I am still battling with the possibility that my cancer may return or another form of cancer decides it wants to test me! In the world of cancer treatment, you are not classed as being in remission until you’re 5 years clear and to put this into perspective, 24 hours is a constant struggle for a cancer patient or a cancer survivor, so having to remain optimistic for 1825 days is intolerable (yes I had to use the calculator on my phone to work out how many days there were in 5 years).
Like I have said in many of my blogs, the only thing we have is HOPE! If we didn’t trust in ourselves or the professionals treating us, we would crumble.
Whilst I was going through treatment I couldn’t make any plans for my future because I didn’t know whether I had one!!
Life is good and I can now make plans in advance but whilst making those plans, something will always trigger the what ifs. Yes I have no evidence of the disease but until the 5 year mark has passed, I will never fully appreciate what my future could hold!
I can honestly say, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about the big C. Sadly, there will always be reminders there and it’s usually when a goal is met or when I am most happy - I guess it’s just part of our wiring and makes us human.
I want to see my daughter grow up, see the world with my loved ones and grow old whilst causing havoc wherever I may be.
The next couple years will be frightening yet exciting for me but all I have to say is BRING IT ON!!