This is the first time I have struggled to portray exactly how I feel since I started my cancer journey. This time around I feel that I need to keep certain aspects of my journey to myself and there is nothing wrong with that but being the hard back, open book I am, I want to understand why my gut instinct is blocking me from revealing the truth!
Could it be that I feel defeated? Naively, I believed I beat the big C with that final punch, but looking back it was waiting patiently, lurking beneath my positivity bubble and when my back was turned, it cheated me out of living. Ultimately, I never reached that last round to hear the final bell!
Us cancer bods can relate mentally with the scenario of taking that ultimate fight in the boxing ring. I can relate so much to the make up of this sport through the journey I have endured. 1) The odds could be highly against you but you still get in that ring and fight with all you have, gloves on or not.
2) You could be knocked down each round but you get back up, praying that final bell will ring.
3) Receiving punches mentally from every angle possible and with every blow your being stripped of your dignity and pride.
4) Seeing many before you lose their battles and praying your journey will take a different path and win the big fight.
We have all had some sort of battle to face throughout our lives but this diagnosis has gradually demolished my dreams for the future.
People say that’s normal but why should it be normal? When I was given the devastating news back in 2016, I did think my world had caved in but I managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This time around, my ultimate fear came to fruition and it has been gradually making holes in my positivity bubble!
Life can take you down many paths and sometimes we are unfortunate to be forced down the difficult ones. We all have to make the most of what we have and I am a big believer of that, but I have recently felt as if each path I take doesn’t lead to a bed of roses (I would prefer freesias but we can’t be picky in this life).
My journey this time around has certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions and Covid19 hasn’t helped matters either and could be partially to blame for deflating my positivity bubble.
I have had a lot of time to digest what I am currently facing and being truthful, I think the uncertainty surrounding my future has completely broke me! I know many others out there are not as fortunate and I am fully aware of this but we all have those moments where we feel sorry for ourselves. Yes, I have recently received good news but until I hear the words “you’re cancer free again”, I will remain in constant limbo with my emotions.
A small part of me is frightened to fully let people in and I struggle to trust others, so admitting defeat to the big C could also play it’s part in why my story isn’t quite ready to be fully on display for all to read.
I even contemplated keeping my second diagnosis to myself and my close circle because I was devastated but then I wouldn’t be staying true to the person I am. Many others in the same position have helped me through their posts on social media. Although, occasionally I need to take myself away from the social scene as sometimes I get too wrapped up in their journey. Every journey is different, it’s learning to accept your own and take the positives from others.
I attend the Lilac Centre weekly for my treatment and I have met some wonderful ladies who have their own stories to tell. This time around I am very conscious of what I say to these women because I am their ultimate fear - reoccurrence!
Many of them are only just starting their first journeys with Breast Cancer so for them to see me at the age I am having to battle it again can trigger all sorts of emotions for them and being as transparent as I am, has taken it’s toll and I have built up a wall which I never thought I would need to do.
I am told that I am an inspiration which is such a compliment, even if it has been due to my own personal struggles but sometimes inspiring others can take a toll on your own well being!
That being said, I did meet a lady recently and this is her first fight. She told me that meeting me for the first time inspired her so much because if I could beat it once and have a few years with my family before it coming back then that’s enough for her to keep fighting.
We all view outcomes differently but this certainly gave me a kick up the arse to stop feeling sorry for myself. If I could give her that hope from just being sat there with them (baldy and all), I can certainly give myself a shake and fight along with them.
I am still working through my own struggle with the help from my loved ones and I guess many factors are to blame for my bubble being deflated but rest assured, it will never burst!