What does reoccurrence look like??
If you have been following my recent blogs you will know that I have recently received the devastating news that the cancer I fought so hard to banish 3 years ago has returned!!! This was my ultimate fear since I received the all clear and being truthful, I actually believed I wasn’t destined to be that unlucky AGAIN! However, cancer does not discriminate, it doesn’t care if you have little ones that depend on you, it doesn’t give two hoots if you want to get your life back on track or if you have fought it once or many times before.
Cancer is like a wrecking ball tearing through a building, it’s doesn’t have any feelings and it will keep trying to rip through your existence until it is demolished! It leaves devastation in many forms and I have found the mental devastation tougher than the physical!
After a gruelling 2 weeks we received the news that the cancer did not spread!! It remains in my lymph nodes under my left armpit. I have never been so scared in all my life, even more than last time!
So here I am again having to face it head on, yet I am entering unknown territory so I want to give you an insight into what reoccurrence of my cancer looks like to me.
This is yet to be planned by my oncologist but I have so much faith in her and trust her vision for me implicitly but new treatment comes with new side effects and uncertainty. I believe the next few months will consist of many rounds of chemotherapy to shrink the cancer, surgery to fully remove all the lymph nodes and then radiotherapy. This is very similar to my previous treatment plan so I am praying my body will cope just as well as the concoction last time.
I have been here once before and I have the scars to prove it but to conquer a reoccurrence an entire new fighting strategy will need to be implemented, including my positivity hat!
Will the treatment work? Will I cope with the new treatment plan? Can I do this again???
Fear has now kicked in and I am in fight or flight mode.
Life in limbo
Yet again every aspect of my life will need to come to a halt. My career progression, my family, and my social life. Time will stand still for me whilst everyone’s life moves forward. My main goal will be to fight this which sadly means sacrificing an awful lot! I will more than likely lose my hair again, feel dreadful and be confined to isolation for the majority of my treatment.
I have always dreaded the possibility of my cancer returning which always took me back to the gruelling 7/8 months where I was fighting for my life.
Now I know it has returned with a vengeance, there isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t reflect on what I went through previously. People have said to me “you have been here before”. Yes I have, but sometimes this is worse than the unknown because I am aware of how I will feel, the constant hospital appointments and being poked and prodded with needles. I guess I know what to expect and I can prepare for the worst, but this does not make it easier.
There are memories which I had repressed overtime but with this new diagnosis, the memories have all flooded back!
My daughter is now 8 and she is aware of the word ‘cancer’. I don’t think she fully understands what it is but she knows it made her mummy poorly for sometime.
She saw me at my worst and knows what the treatment did to me mentally and physically which now makes it even more difficult to break the devastating news.
We can’t lie to her but we also need to be tactile about what information we divulge.
Kids are very versatile but I know she will ask many questions and possibly be angry but we will get through this as a family.
I am yet to be made aware of timeframes and treatments going forward but I am more determined than ever to say goodbye to cancer once and for all!
I need to do this to ensure I have a long and healthy future!